


John's Pesterlog Archive

by OrangeSquidy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: maybe some rom l8r, tottes platonic atm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-08-15 20:49:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8072272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeSquidy/pseuds/OrangeSquidy
Summary: I don’t know why but I have this headcanon that John saves all his conversations of his computer, especially with dave, to reference back to or just for laughs, like I feel like John went searching through his archive to confirm Dave fav movie before buying the shades or looks at a talk he had to laugh a little. Idfk *shrug*





	1. First meetings

\--turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 7:42pm--

TG: this it you in the future ive travelled but to tell you that i know what you will do and i am appalled  


TG: i mean really past me disgusts me how could we do something like that  


TG: and to our own sister  


TG: well at least whats left of her after what you did to her  


TG: i still dont know how she stayed alive when we  


TG: nvm that would cause some kind of time paradox if i told you but just know its bad  


TG: are you even reading this  


TG: wait of course you are i remember reading this for sure  


TG: that is definitely a thing i did in the past  


TG: oh how naive i was to think this was a simple troll  


GT: wow me in the future sure does talk a lot!  


TG: there you are past me  


GT: here i am.  


GT: if you’re so horrified at what i will do then why don’t you tell me what happened so i won’t do it, or come back in person and stop me?  


TG: because that would rip a hole in the fabric of space and time and thatd fuck it up worse than we ever did  


GT: so i destroy the world?  


TG: shit i didnt mean that  


GT: of course you didn’t, look if you’re going to try to prank some one try not pranking the prank master.  


TG: why would i go back in time to troll myself that would just be a waste of my time  


GT: i dont know for shits and giggles?  


TG: no dude this shits for real  


GT: oh well shit.  


TG: exactly broseph  


GT: (hehehe)  


GT: wait  


GT: you did not just use brocabulary.  


TG: i think i just did brotato chip  


GT: no.  


TG: whats wrong bromageddon  


GT: stop!  


TG: stop what bronado i dont see the broblem here  


GT: oh my gosh is this really my future  


GT: did i destroy the world with horrible bro puns?  


TG: yes brohemian rhapsody  


TG: we changed everything to bro puns  


TG: after we finished taking over the world we became rich and now were on brocation sailing in oUr huge broat on the brocean sipping on broda listening to the radibro and panic at the discbro while reading gamebro in the bro pool.  


GT: the bro pool?  


TG: its a pool shaped to form the word bro  


TG: the middle of the O is a hot tub  


GT: im so done  


TG: hold on i see something let me go grab my bronoculars  


GT: lalala i'm not listening  


TG: no wait brotation i still have more  


GT: well in that case i'm leaving faster  


TG: almost forgot about the lembronade in the brooler  


GT: brooler?  


TG: it was supposed to be cooler but i guess that ones a stretch  


GT: yeah  


TG: w/e i need to check on the BROwnies anyway  


GT: haha wow now i know this is a troll i would never make brownies or BROwnies for that matter.  


TG: well you do in the future  


GT: okay but how far into the future are you  


TG: does it matter  


GT: of course it does! I’m making brownies in the future  


TG: BROnwnies  


GT: what ever  


TG: theres a signifigant difference between brownies and BROwnies  


TG: the rich fluffiness and cakey texture mixed perfectly with the strong chocolate and vanilla flavors make the difference here dude do not ignore that tastiness of a well made BROwnie past me because you will surely regret it once you buy that gas station BROwnie and have to spend the next 3 hours on the porcelain brone b/c that shit didnt agree with us.  


GT: like i said what ever answer the question  


TG: only a couple months  


GT: im an efficient conqueror  


TG: we sure as hell are i was thinking of taking over mars next  


GT: that does sound cool but you start with the moon first  


TG: you are totally right which is to say im right so thanks me for my own original idea  


TG: do not steal  


GT: was that a meme?  


TG: sorta  


GT: hehehe  


GT: anyway i got to go bed  


GT: can i talk to you tomorrow?  


TG: sure if im not busy conquering the moon by then  


\--ghostyTrickster[GT] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead[TG] at 11:07 pm--


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I try desperately to write an in character Karkat, god help us all. Karkat's monologue in the beginning was straight from the comic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to leave a comment.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 4:02 p.m.  


CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.  


CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING.  


CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.  


CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD.  


CG: I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME.  


CG: WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL.  


CG: PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK.  


CG: BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE "PARADISE" PLANET.  


CG: BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED.  


CG: THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN.  


CG: ONLY MY HATE.  


CG: IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HUMAN THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE.  


CG: IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG.  


CG: SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER.  


CG: IT IS A HATE THAT MADE YOU AND WILL SURELY DESTROY YOU.  


CG: MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE.  


CG: IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU.  


CG: YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT.  


CG: YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT.  


EB: hi karkat!  


CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL EGBERT, HOW DID YOU COME TO THAT CONCLUSION! WERE YOU FOREWARNED OF MY TROLLING, WHO TOLD YOU?  


EB: no one but you’re the only person i know that would enter with that, well other than dave. he didn’t really go for the wrathful god thing like you did but he did pretend to be future me.  


EB: he wasn’t very good at it.  


CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN OTHER THAN DAVE, STRIDER COULD NEVER BE SMART ENOUGH NOR BRAVE ENOUGH TO ENTER A CONVERSATION LIKE THIS. PLUS I THOUGHT HIS WHOLE OPENING ACT WAS CONFUSION, THAT SEEMS TO BE HIS SIGNATURE TACTIC WHENEVER ANYONE ATTEMPTS TO TALK TO THAT DOUCHE.  


CG: I REMEMBER TAVROS CAME TO ME ABOUT HIS CONFUSING MARRIAGE IN VIETNAM WITH SOMEONE NAMED CHARLIE, POOR KID DIDN’T KNOW WHAT HE HAD GOTTEN INTO. I DON’T THINK ANYONE BUT YOU COULD HAVE SURVIVED SUCH AN ATTACK OF HIS STUPID “IRONIC COOL KID” BULLSHIT BEFORE SWAN DIVING OFF THE DIVING BOARD INTO A POOL OF BLISSFUL INSANITY.  


CG: HONESTLY BETWEEN HIM AND SIR CHUCKLEFUCK I’M NOT SURE HOW TAVROS HASN’T GONE OFF THE DEEP END, IT’S ALMOST INSPIRING REALLY, CONGRATS TO NITRAM FOR NOT LOSING HIS MARBLES FOR SO MANY YEARS AND LET’S HOPE HE CAN KEEP IT UP.  


EB: dave is not that bad he’s really cool, y’know, in a dorky kind of way but still!  


EB: i don’t get why you hate him so much, i feel like you guys could be friends if you hung out a bit more.  


GC: I WOULD NEVER VOLUNTARILY SUBJECT MYSELF TO BEING IN STRIDER’S PRESENCE LONGER THAN NECESSARY, EVEN IF I DID SOMEHOW MANAGE TO MAINTAIN MY WILL TO LIVE AFTERWARDS I HIGHLY DOUBT STRIDER AND I WOULD BECOME FRIENDS.  


EB: me and jade will change your mind about that  


CG: FIRST OFF SHIT-FOR-BRAINS,IT’S JADE AND I NOT JADE AND ME, LEARN YOUR FUCKING GRAMMAR SECOND WHATEVER YOU AND HARLEY HAVE PLANNED YOU CAN FORGET IT. AT THE FIRST HINT THAT YOU TWO ARE PLANNING ON DITCHING US I WILL BE GONE. LASTLY YOU CAN EXPECT A ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GRAMMAR BOOK FOR THE NEXT COUPLE YEARS, YOU’RE WELCOME.  
EB: aww what no!  


CG: THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING THINK BEFORE SENDING ME SHIT LIKE JADE AND ME.  


EB: uuuuuuuugh lame!  


CG: STOP TALKING TO THAT ARACHNID OBSESSED FREAK, I’M SERIOUS JOHN SHE’LL MESS YOU UP  


EB: what ever, i will talk to who ever i want. What did you even text me for , don’t tell me it was just for that god bs.  


CG: NO, I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU HAD MY HANDLE. THE HATE-FILLED MONOLOGUE WAS A LAST MINUTE DECISION AND A GOOD ONE AT THAT. I DIDN’T MEAN TO BE TALKING THIS LONG, I SHOULD BEEN PICKING UP TEREZI TO GO FOR PIZZA LIKE AND HOUR AGO.  


EB: have fun with that.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 5:54


End file.
